Regretless Bee – Died for You

Regretless B – Part 1

Regretless B is me. Barbara Doduk. This is the one where I tell you about how I ended up making this website about the Cancelled Career and MeToo of Matthew Good. Then how it evolved into a deep dive into my own vices.


B LOVE

I died in car accident in 1992, and was given a second chance to find a purpose.

I almost lost my left foot and leg. The event caused me to rush things in an effort to live every moment to the fullest. I got married at age 22 in 1995, David Doll and I had known each other 9 months. The picture below is from my wedding day in 1995, that is me with my dad. It was a helluva wedding, in my Grandmother’s backyard in White Rock, BC. All our gothic freaky friends, that bless them, dressed to the hilt – combined with some pearl clutching very religious family.

Barbara Doduk 1995
July 22, 1995

Free Bee

To say I am impulsive would be right. I changed my last name to his, and became Barbara Doll.

In 1996, just after a year of marriage my husband decided to quit his job and go travel to Vietnam, and live with our writer friend Chris Cziborr for 3 months. I felt this wasn’t beneficial to our marriage, but told him he had the freewill to go if it was his dream. I stayed home and worked, when he came back after 2 months, it just never was the same – for me.

I admittedly have always been a train wreck in the relationship department.

B Love’s fatal flaw.

Which is entirely why I am single, and shall stay single for life. Or so that’s the plan and has been since 2008. No matter who has tried to suck me back in!

In 1997 when we separated, I bought a townhouse in Forest Grove on Burnaby Mountain, and we divorced amicably the next year. I kept the last name for many years after – it was on everything legal. He didn’t care if I kept the last name. We remained friends for years and hung out sometimes. We even considered trying again in 2006, but we wisely decided best not. We still keep in touch randomly to this day via Facebook.


By The Numbers

I am a bookkeeper or accounting guru in my day job.

At that time in the 90s, I was the Office Manager running my father’s steel construction company’s office – Hitec Steel Construction Ltd.

My day job was never my passion – never. The 40 hours a week at the adding machines wasn’t my jam, but it comes to me easily. Numbers are easy to organize. My true fire, was everything after that that I did, creative wise, and thankfully my insomnia ruled.

I love writing, have been doing so all my life, and I loved computers. I have been using a computer since the mid-80s – my father was always into the latest electronics and computers. I loved the idea of them, then when the internet came along in the 90s I couldn’t wait to see the glorious future of the net!

When I moved into my new place in August of 1997 (the month and year Princess Di died) I set up an office creative space for my computer. It was called In the Orange Room.


Write What You Know

I had taken a writing course with a local writer and some of us continued to write and meet up and share ideas. I decided to create a web site. Taught myself HTML code and grabbed a free site on GeoCities. I journaled. Always have. I have many old journal books in my garage. Like from grade school age.

I am a collector, like that.

During that time, for fun, I reviewed the endless bands I saw at the local venues. Remember – I hardly ever slept. I had wanted to be a singer in elementary/high school but stage fright killed the dream. I have Social Anxiety, when put in front of an audience I tremble, physically my body panics. I have had this problem all my life. So instead, I surrounded myself with musicians, and any creative people really.

My first boyfriend Rob Rantamaa – in my teens – still plays bass and sings, he lives in Vegas now. The first big love, that I lived with at 19 (we were living together when I had my car accident) Max Murphy is a saxophone player. Most of my serious relationships have been with musicians – my daughter’s dad is one too. Music has always been around me or me around it, not sure which.

I have also always written poetry and short stories, since elementary school days.

One day in 1998, I saw an ad in the back of Exclaim Magazine so I sent my web site link to my reviews and writing, and Denise Sheppard offered me the opportunity to write for them. And I did, for free, for a short time. This is when I became friends with Darren Kerr and Alphonse Leong.

Darren Kerr died of skin cancer, he is missed.

My Matthew Good story in 5 parts spanning from 1998 to 2022 explaining our history.


Updated October 14th, 2023 Originally uploaded December 31, 2021