Regretless B – Part 3
Regretless B is me. Barbara Doduk. This is the one where I tell you about how I ended up making this website about the Cancelled Career and MeToo of Matthew Good. Then how it evolved into a deep dive into my own vices.
Bizarre Love Triangle
Later in that late summer of 1999, I met yet another musician K – at a local dance club Luv-a-Fair one night. We talked until dawn and smoke a joint or two. I thought he was fascinating, a former DJ and we clicked. K is hands down the most brilliantly talented man I have ever known, but with such creativeness always comes torment.
Incidentally it turned out Matthew and K knew one another.
K had been in the band Slye (mentioned in January 1998 Matthew Good manifesto) with Jay Slye (PepperSands) and Danny Sather (Sex with Nixon) and it was a shame that band Slye never panned out. (If anyone has the tracks to share please contact me with them!)
I remember one night in October 1998 as K was cooking dinner for me, at my place, MG called me from Halifax. I said to him, you’ll never guess who is in my kitchen.
Matt warned me to not get involved with K.
Things had moved fast with K moving in to my place really quickly. At the time, I thought Matthew was just pissed as I was turning down his requests to hang out.
At the time I thought I was ready to settle down, I was about to become an aunt. Even though I was told in my marriage I wouldn’t be able to have children, a secure stable relationship seemed a nice dream.
Alas it was just fantasy.
After Christmas 1999, at the beginning of 2000 – shit hit the fan between me and K – he had misrepresented himself to say the very least on the matter. I broke up with him – but he refused to move out of my home.
I won’t go into the gory details but suffice to say I felt like a total fool, I was pissed, and in my head we were beyond over and done.
The End is the Beginning
In early 2000, I started seeing Matt again – secretly. Not the best choice of my life.
Matt was different now, colder, and more ‘get in and get out‘ about it all. It now felt very cheap. I think he thought I was playing the two men. Which is understandable, given the situation was so complicated.
It was also in this time frame, that I told Matthew I loved him. Of course, Matthew never said it back. He laughed and pointed at me saying you love an asshole or something like that. However he did become more affectionate with me after.
This was about the time he sang me Advertising on Police Cars. And played me Pony Boy. I spent my birthday with Matt in March 2000 and we ordered take out, he asked me to stay the night, and he asked me to go as his date to an important function – but I declined. I always declined.
I knew I was hurting K even though we weren’t a couple, because he was still living with me, and K still wanted to be together. He loved me I suppose. In his way. I loved him in my way. K had become by best friend. He was still refusing to leave my townhouse. I offered to help K financially, to get him to leave but he refused. I felt totally stuck in the situation.
Neither man was the right one and my choices weren’t my finest moments in life, in 2000 there, but things happen as they should and even the worst things are for the best. Eventually.
A group of fans from the MGB website chat rooms decided to meet up in Alberta for two dates at Reds in April 2000. So I drove with another friend, to Alberta. Met a bunch of people from the online community. Some I still call friends to this day.
I had called Matt and told him I was going to be there but he never called back. The typical hot-cold of him. I don’t know, at the times, some of these fan-friends probably thought I was lying about my friendship with Matt.
The group of us fans, went back stage at the meet and greet the second night. Matthew Good called me over to chat at the autograph table. Then when he was done the autographing, he came over and put his arm around me and asked what I was doing later. I said, sleeping before a long drive home in the morning. He had other promo stuff to do and left the room. Matt told me later that he sent some bouncer to get me after that – because he wanted my company – but I had all ready left the venue.
I drove home the next day. That was the last time I saw emgee in person until 2006.
Stitching Together B
When I got back home from the Alberta road trip in May 2000 – I attempted to finally end things completely with K and asked him to just leave.
I told him I was seeing Matthew again – not because I thought there was a future with Matt – but because I knew it would end things with K. I am a monster remember.
Instead it changed the course of my life.
K had a major mental breakdown. Details of which a few people close to me know the depths of it and understand the depth of how it broke me, in every way.
I felt responsible for K’s breakdown.
And I made a choice. Not a rational choice, but I decided to save K and take care of him. I talked to a mental health crisis worker, I saw therapists, my dad even attempted to barge in the next day to confront the situation – and K saw psychiatrists.
Yet… I stayed and decided this was my mess to fix.
My guilt to carry.
To say Matthew Good was rather unkind about my decision was an understatement. He kept trying to contact me. He phoned regularly, and emailed even more. I asked him not to contact me again. As Matt calling made things worse for K.
I told Matt the details of what had happened. He claimed to be worried about me.
He kept phoning, and I thought the two men were going to kill each other – the rage on those phone calls.
However, after a rather blunt email from me saying why I couldn’t see Matt again, he responded in a degrading disgusting dismissive email – that I wish I had show you. He told us (B & K) to go cut ourselves together.
Matthew Good can’t handle rejection.
I had to change the phone numbers in June or July. It was A LOT of drama. I have reflected on those events so many many times.
You have to to understand Matt was dating Jenny Beth by this time. He told me about her, during those months at the beginning of 2000.
By July 2000 Matthew and I had a public argument over a few posts on the forum of a site called Nation Of Cool which was a fan forum for the band. Matt posted as JF Sabastian (a reference to the character in Blade Runner.)
I have a copy of the exchange. Not our finest moment, and Matthew denounced me as nothing but a slut. I slammed him in return. It was two people lashing out at one another – it was irrational and brutal.
We were clowns.
I became even more of a recluse. My anxiety problem hit a high point. Ativan was nothing.
Over the next years, I went financially broke supporting K – building a little studio for him in my home (picture above) then financially losing my home, having to sell and moving downtown to Thurlow Street in 2003.
We spent 2001 – 2006 putting out music almost no one would ever buy or hear – although I have recently put it up on my YouTube if you are interested.
The 2006 album was called Krysalid and released on iTunes via The Orchard Music. You can still buy it on iTunes here –> https://music.apple.com/ca/album/krysalid/88692654 but not sure who would get the pennies from the sale.
I am actually very proud of the music K made, and the parts I contributed. I sang and inspired ideas.
But for those last years together, I was very dead inside. I wasn’t happy. I had stayed with K out of an obligation to love him for everything we endured together, not that I didn’t love him too. I loved him, in a fashion, but I wasn’t happy. I had lost my townhouse and all my savings. I was working to support him, but it wasn’t ever going to be enough.
K never forgave me or ever let me forget. I was always the whore that scarred him.
K never forgave me. Because that is how some people are. I couldn’t possibly been a flawed typical human being that made bad choices. I was selfish. A being that could make a mistake and yet, not be a whore? I mean, I didn’t and haven’t had sex with every person I have ever met or has offered. I do know my number. I can name them!
The mental toll that constantly being reminded of the pain I caused K, without any sign of forgiveness after 5 years – I was dead inside by 2006.
In late 2005 – K was asked to remix a song for Catlow, and in December 2005 Catlow and the band was opening for a show with another band Mark Gardener from a band I had always loved called Ride.
We went to the show, which was a rare thing for K to actually leave the apartment and for us to be social. I went over to tell Mark Gardener (of Ride) how much the music had meant to me in 90s. As I did this Jay Slye and K belittled me and quipped, once a groupie always a groupie. As if I couldn’t hear them? I knew I was done, we were done – he didn’t love me.
You don’t say that shit about someone you love.
At Christmas 2005 I finally secretly discussed the options of leaving K, with my family, as I hadn’t seen them in years, they were eager to take my call. I blamed K for that, and in fact yes, he encouraged me not to see my family and friends – but I agreed to the isolation. I am to blame for losing those years of contact. I let him isolate me.
In early 2006 unfortunately K got wind of my plan to leave him and threatened to harm himself again. This time I didn’t care. I couldn’t. Mentally I was broken. I was prepared to die if I had to – to be free.
As he stood there with knife in hand, I said – go ahead and do it. He threw the knife to the floor.
I wasn’t sure how those next days or weeks would pan out. In running all the possible outcomes, I realized I couldn’t leave my cats.
So I phoned my family on April 1st, 2006.
They came that day, insisted on taking me to eat, and asked if I wanted to leave. I said yes.
K and I were literally starving artists by that point. I think I weighed 120 pounds. We returned to the apartment. Informed K that I was leaving, and began to remove my things. It was an emotional event.
Then the police came, I believe K called them actually but the police kept K in his music room. He only cared about keeping his music gear – that I bought – he didn’t want my family taking it – and my family packed up my cats and my things.
I just sat on the back of my step-dad’s beat up pickup truck, emaciated from months of literally starving, unwashed and smoking cigarettes. I felt I was dead anyway so I threw away all my paintings and writings, in the giant garbage bin. Purged.
I was free. I was a fucking train wreck but I was free.
33 and starting over with nearly nothing – but free!
Shortly after, K moved back to Toronto and to his mom, she worked for MGM back then and she finally helped him get his head straight. K eventually met and fell in love with a beautiful woman, married her and had some kids. He went on to design apps for cell phones. Still the most brilliant mind
We damaged one another though, and we were never going to be healthy or happy together, and I am so thankful that just maybe, my support, my cheerleading him to be creative those years we were together, gave him confidence in his talent. He doesn’t have to forgive me.
My Matthew Good story in 5 parts spanning from 1998 to 2022 explaining our history.
- Part 1: Died for You
- Part 2: Regretless Bee – MGB Days 98-99
- Part 3: Regretless Bee – Bizarre Love Triangle
- Part 4: Regretless Bee – Life is a Bugger
- Part 5: Regretless Bee – B Groupie
Updated October 14th, 2023 Originally uploaded December 31, 2021